


It's fucking dyed.

by SatansTrueMistress



Category: Band of Brothers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bi!David Webster, David's friend is hot and Joe doesn't like it, Drunk Lieb, He digs punk music, I AM PRO POLYAMORY, Jealous!Joe Liebgott, Joe is a Punk, LITERALLY, Like, M/M, Mocking Shakespear and his dick jokes, OFC - Freeform, Pining, Skinny is so done, i think, it's so damn fluffy, okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-29
Updated: 2017-08-29
Packaged: 2018-12-21 06:21:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11938143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SatansTrueMistress/pseuds/SatansTrueMistress
Summary: David's college friend is a hot chick and Joe hates her immediately.SUMMARIES SUCK PLEASE HELP ME





	It's fucking dyed.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the longest fucking thing I've written in for fucking ever lol. I posted it pretty much as soon as I finished it. Lol fuck proofreading and beataing. This is also probably not formatted correctly?

“Hey Web, we’re goin’ out to the bar, you comin’?” Joe asked as he shoved his foot into his boot.

“Can’t, unfortunately. A friend from class will be here any second to study. We’ve got this test in 17th Century Lit, and our professor is a twat,” David replied, rooting through the junk drawer for a pen.

“Yeah? What friend?” Joe asked far too casually. David was too distracted to notice, but Skinny rolled his eyes.

“A friend from my 17th Century Lit class, Joe,” David with exaggerated patience.

“Another pretentious literary major?” Joe shot at David.

David shook his head, “History.”

“History?” Skinny laughed, “So they’re like 90, and wear a tweed jacket with elbow patches?”

“More ear hair than head hair?” Lieb snickered.

“Glasses bigger than their face?”

“Bowtie?”

“Are you guys done mocking my friend?” David snapped as someone knocked at the door, “Because she’s here.”

“Wait, she?”

“We’ll be nice, Web,” Skinny promised as David pushed past them to answer the door. The girl standing in the threshold was pretty opposite what Joe expected one of David’s college friends to look like. David’s friends were usually either nerds that lived in their mom’s basement, or annoying douchey hipsters. This girl had a ring in her septum, candy apple red hair to her waist, a black Henley under a leather biker jacket, ripped jeans and combat boots. She was hot and Joe hated her instantly.

“Hey, Ariel,” David ushered the girl into the room and glared at Joe and Skinny pointedly, “These are my roommates, they were just leaving.”

“Ariel, like the mermaid?” Joe sneered, looking at his shoes.

 “Joe, don’t be a dick,” David snapped.

“What I can’t ask a fucking question?”

Ariel’s mouth twitched, “It’s alright David not like I haven’t heard that one before. Not like I’m doing much to discourage it, with my hair,” She pointed at Joe’s backpack with her toe, “Nice Black Flag patch.”

“Thanks.”

David glared at Joe. Ariel, for her part, just smirked.

Skinny rolled his eyes, “Come on, Joe, let’s get going.”

  

* * *

 

 Joe’s friends were squished into a booth, laughing and whooping jovially at the fight on the television over the bar. Joe glared at his beer bottle.

“What’s your problem, now Liebgott?” Luz asked, from his place squished between Frank and Toye.

“Don’t have one.”

Skinny rolled his eyes, “Web’s friend from college is hot and he’s jealous.”

“Fuck you, Sisk, I’m not fucking jealous,” Joe snapped.

“Right,” Skinny rolled his eyes again, “You’ve just been glaring at everything even harder than usual, and it all started when Ariel showed up.”

“Wait, Web has a female friend and she’s actually hot?” Buck interjected moving his arm from around Toye to hide his laugh.

“Her name is Ariel?” Bill scoffed from next to Buck.

“Please tell me she has bright red hair,” Nixon, tucked under Dick’s arm, laughed.

Skinny nodded.

“It’s fucking dyed.” Joe retorted.

“She came over to study for some stupid lit class Web is in.”

“Study,” Joe said bitterly, making air quotes.

“Totally not jealous,” Toye agreed sarcastically.

“How am I jealous? I just don’t fucking like her.”

“You don’t _know_ her, Lieb! You met her for thirty seconds!” Skinny groaned exasperatedly.

“Because I fucking don’t,” Joe picked at the label of his bottle, “I gotta piss, let me up.”

Without waiting for an answer, Joe stood on the seat and hopped over Lipton and Speirs. The set of his shoulders was tense as he stalked bathroom.

“Who’s going to go talk to him?” Malarkey asked, stretching to put his arms around both Skip and Alex, “Because I am not doing it.”

They all looked at Dick.

“I did it last time,” Dick said, shaking his head, “I believe it’s someone else’s turn.”

“I ain’t doing it,” Johnny muttered. Bull elbowed him in the ribs, “What? The kid doesn’t listen to me. Send Gene, everyone likes Gene.”

“Gene is almost asleep,” Gene replied, suppressing a yawn against Babe’s shoulder.

“I’ll go,” Lip volunteered, “But I’ll give him a few minutes.”

 

* * *

 

 

Ariel slammed her book shut, “Okay, I can’t do it anymore. Everyone wants to find some hidden, pretentious meaning in Shakespeare, but Shakespeare is nothing but dick jokes wrapped in Ye Olde English. I can’t write a paper on Ye Olde Dick Jokes.”

“You could, but you might fail.”

“Thank you, David, that’s supremely helpful,” Ariel’s head thumped onto the table.

“So pull it out of your ass.”

“That’s how I’m passing this entire class! I’m running out of shitty opinions to make up, dude.”

David snorted.

They were quiet for a few moments.

“So, Joe’s cute.”

David nearly spewed his coffee out his nose before he answered, “Yeah, I think so too.”

“You know he likes you, right?”

“What makes you say that, Ariel?” David sighed.

Ariel picked her head up from her textbook to level a look at David, “Because it’s glaringly obvious. I met him for thirty seconds, and I could tell. I feel bad for the rest of your friends who have had to put up with god knows how many years of pining and sniping at each other.”

“Jesus Christ, Ariel.”

“You should ask him out.”

“Probably not,” David glanced up from his own textbook.

“Why not?”

“Because he doesn’t like me, Ariel. At least not like that. He thinks I’m pretentious,” David replied, almost succeeding in hiding the hurt in his voice.

Ariel rolled her eyes, “So he might. But he was also hella jealous when I got here. So either he doesn’t like his friends having other friends, or he likes you. And judging by the look on your other friend’s face, he’s beyond used to your shit, so I’m guessing-”

“He _doesn’t_ _like_ me Ariel,” David interrupted.

Ariel’s mouth twitched again, but she let it drop, returning to her book.

“Do you think I could get away with writing a paper about dick jokes being a key factor in evidence that Shakespeare was bisexual?”

“I think his sonnets would be a better argument.”

 

* * *

 

 

Joe heard the door open and sighed internally, mentally preparing himself as Lip’s shoes appeared under the stall.

“Joe? You in here?”

“Yeah, Lip, I’ll be out in a second.”

“Listen, Joe, can I talk to you for a second?”

Joe sighed externally this time.

“I know, I know. You would rather have your teeth ripped out.”

“Without anesthetic,” Joe agreed sagely. 

Lip snorted.

“I know you don’t like talking about your crush on David -”

“I don’t _have_ a crush on David!” Joe interrupted.

“- And you like other people talking about it even less, but they don’t mean any harm. They just want you to be happy.”

 “I know. And I am happy, Lip.” Joe shrugged. It was mostly true, “I just wish they would mind their own damn business.”

“I feel that, but I wouldn’t be with Ron if they had minded their own business,” Lip pointed out.

“That’s different Lip.”

“How?”

“You’re not as likely to punch them for not minding their own business.”

Lip laughed, “Come on, Joe, let’s go get some more beer and watch Buck beat everyone at pool.”

“Yeah, I’ll be right there.”

Lip had opened the door, before he heard Joe’s voice again.

“Lip?”

“Yeah, Joe?”

“I really do like him.”

“I know, Joe.”

  

* * *

 

 

It was almost two am when David’s phone rang. _When you see my face hope it gives you hell hope it gives you he--_ he glanced at it, _Joe Liebgott_ flashed at him, “Hello?”

“David?”

“Yes? Joe, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay. I just drank too much and Skinny is going to Shifty’s. Damn couples. Everyone just abandons us single guys -”

“Jesus Christ, Lieb, give me the phone.” David heard Skinny’s voice in the background.

“Web?”

“Yeah.”

“Can you come get him? I hate to ask when you’re studying, but he’s beyond trashed and so is Darrell, so I’ve got to take _him_ home. I’d bring him back to our place but I think we might end up killing two drunk morons.”

“Yeah, I’ll be right there, Skinny.” David rolled his eyes at Ariel.

“Thanks, Web.”

David hung up the phone and turned to Ariel, “Listen I gotta go pick up Joe because apparently he decided to get white girl wasted.”

Ariel laughed.

“You can crash here if you want to.”

“Nah, man, it’s all good. But thanks.”

“You sure? Skinny is going to his boyfriend’s so you can crash in his bed.”

“I’m sure, man,” Ariel stood and stretched, “Maddie should be waiting for me. Tomorrow is our anniversary. We’re going to the movies and stuff.”

“Oh,” David answered distractedly, looking for his keys, “Congrats, have fun.”

“Thanks man,” Ariel replied, slinging her bag over her shoulder and standing on tiptoe to kiss David’s cheek, “See you Monday. Tell Joe you like him.”

“Good _bye_ Ariel.”

 

 

“I’ll keep an eye on him until Webster shows up,” the bartender waved Skinny off, “You guys practically live here; I’m not going to let anyone kidnap him.”

“Thank you, Runner, I just don’t know how much longer Shifty’s drunk ass can stay standing,” Skinny sighed as a very drunk Shifty Powers nuzzled his shoulder.

Joe listened to this conversation with a kind of detached irritation, he wasn’t all that drunk. The room was just spinning and a little blurry. Skinny patted his shoulder on the way out of the bar with Shifty hanging off of him. It was gross. Fucking couples, being all in love and shit. While he was single. Winters and Nixon, being all married and stuff. Someone to love you no matter what. Like Lip loved Speirs. Even though Speirs was scary. And Johnny and Bull even though Johnny was a grumpy asshole. Bull adored him. Babe and Gene were grossly in love too. Freakin’ perfect bastards and their perfect relationship. Tab and Grant and their damn dogs. Fuckin’ Skip and Penkala _and_ Malarkey. How come Malark got two boyfriends when he didn’t have _one? And_ Buck had four boyfriends. Bill and Frank and George and Toye. So dumb. Not that he has a problem with poly - polyamory…is that what they called it? But how come they get four other people that are in love with them? It wasn’t fair. And no thank you, George, he did not want to join in your massive-man-cuddle-pile. He wanted Webster.

“Hey buddy,” Joe felt a warm hand on his shoulder.

He sat up too fast and his head spun, “He – woah – hey Web! Speak of the devil!”

David’s mouth twitched up at the corners, “Come on, man. Let’s get home.”

Joe nodded happily.

“Can you stand?”

Joe shook his head and snickered.

“Come on,” David chuckled, pulling Joe’s arm around his own shoulders and hauling him to his feet.

“Woah, Web, you been workin’ out?”

“We’ve been over this Joe, I don’t have time to work out.”

“Hmm…so you’ve just naturally got great shoulders…and arms…and a great face.”

David blushed but snorted, “Yeah, I guess.”

It was a task getting Joe into the passenger’s seat of David’s car. After much struggling and giggling on Joe’s part, they (Webster) managed to get Joe situated and buckled into the car. It wasn’t a long drive to their apartment, but David was so tired he just wanted to get Joe home and situate him in his own bed with a puke bucket and a glass of water.

“Hey – hic – Web?” Joe leaned over the center console to press his forehead to David’s arm.

“Yes, Joe?”

“I love you.”

David laughed, Joe was an affectionate drunk. All hugs and kisses on cheeks to any friend in his immediate vicinity. Much to the chagrin of Joe Toye. And absolute hilarity of George Luz. When sober, Joe would just shrug _‘Oh well. At least I’m not a mean drunk’_  “I love you too buddy.”

“No – no, Web, I _love_ you.”

“Joe, you’re drunk,” David said quietly.

“Yes,” Joe agreed, “But I do love you.”

“We can talk about it in the morning,” David sighed pulling into their parking spot and turning the car off, “Right now we need to concentrate on getting you up the stairs.”

Joe made a vague sound of agreement.

 

 

Getting Joe to walk up the stairs himself didn’t seem likely. David could barely get him out of the car, Joe refused to cooperate; he was dead weight.

David sighed in frustration and ran his fingers through his hair, “Joe, if you puke on me, I will kill you.”

“What do you – woah!”

David hoisted Joe over his shoulder, “It’s a good thing so you’re damn skinny, Lieb.”

“Hey, you called me Lieb.”

“Yep,” David grunted, slowly making his way up the stairs. He tried not to bump Joe’s head against anything, but if it happened once or twice, he didn’t actually feel very bad. Once they made it into their apartment, David kicked the door shut and set Joe on his feet. As soon as he was upright, Joe was pressing kisses to his chin and neck.

“Joe – Joe, come on,” David forced out, “Stop.”

Joe stole a quick kiss to David’s lips, “Fine,” but he rested his head in the hollow between David’s neck and shoulder, “I love you, Web.”

David slid his arms around Joe’s skinny waist and kissed the crown of his head, “I know. I love you too, libeling.”

Joe beamed at David and hugged him, “Can I sleep with you tonight, Web? I promise I’ll keep my hands to myself.”

David huffed into Joe’s hair, “Yeah, I can make sure you don’t choke on your own vomit.”

“Sexy.”

David laughed and linked their fingers, “Come on, Joe.”

 

* * *

 

 

Joe woke up with a sandpaper tongue and a pounding headache.

“Ugh, what the fuck!” He groaned, pulling the blankets over his head.

“You got drunk is what the fuck,’ David replied from next to him, rolling onto his elbow to peek under the blankets.

“Fuck. Why am I in your bed? What time is it? Aren’t you supposed to be at work? Or class?” Joe squinted up at David.

“Do you remember anything from last night, Joe?”

Joe was quiet for a minute. David watched him remember.

“Oh my god,” Joe whispered, “Oh fuck. Oh no.”

“Ouch,” David said.

Joe shook his head, then winced when it caused a shooting pain to disrupt the dull throb in his head, “No, it’s not that…it’s just…that’s not how I planned to tell you.”

“How did you plan to tell me?” David asked curiously, sliding back down into the warm embrace of blankets.

“I didn’t,” Joe admitted.

David laughed and pressed a kiss to Joe’s forehead. Joe sighed contentedly.

“Did I bother you and Ariel’s studying?”

“No, she had to go home anyway, today is her and her girlfriend’s anniversary.”

“Oh,” Joe considered this for a second then his eyes widened, “ _Oh_ I was so horrible to that poor girl.”

David ran his fingers through Joe’s hair softly, because, frankly, he could, “Yeah but she kept telling me it was because you were jealous.”

“I was.”

“I know that now.”

Joe snuggled closer to David’s chest as David trailed his fingers up and down Joe’s back lightly. They were quiet for a long while.

“Wanna go get some breakfast?” David asked.

“A date?” Joe asked, and David could hear the smirk in his voice

“That was the plan.”

“Sure, on one condition.”

“What’s that?” David asked, mildly apprehensive.

“They have black coffee, because this hangover is going to _kill_ me.”

David laughed loudly, causing Joe to cover his head with a pillow and groan, “Deal.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Let me thank my girl KateMarieW7575 on Tumblr for Web's ringtone. The heavier stuff I listen to didn't strike me as very Webby, but neither did pop. So. Thanks, Queen.


End file.
